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Revision

Adding the details ----

Read your first draft:

_) Change to nifty nouns or descriptive words -- specific words like names

dog = poodle or Puffy

floor = hardwood paneled oak

_) Change dead verbs to active verbs (run to sprint; go to drive; look to glance).

_) Add imagery -- senses: sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touch,

_) Start sentences in different ways; make some long and some short.

DRAFT

The Grand Coulee Dam is one of the world's largest concrete structures.  It stands 350 feet above the river and blocks a 151 mile reservoir.  Started in 1933, it's first phase was finished in 1941. The dam provides electricity for two cities the size of Seattle, Washington.  It also prevents flooding all the way to the Pacific Ocean and irrigates eight million acres of land that would otherwise be nearly desert.

My friend lives across from Grand Coulee Dam.  Below his house is a Bureau of Reclamation road on which he cross-country skiis when the snow falls.  One day, while out skiing on that road, he heard an eagle.  He looked up and the eagle's fish fell right in front of him.  That was his dinner that  night.

Revision

Names

The Grand Coulee Dam is one of the world's largest concrete structures.  It stands 350 feet above the Columbia River and blocks a 151 mile reservoir: Lake Roosevelt.  Started in 1933, it's first phase was finished in 1941, just in time to provide electricity to build the airplanes that helped with World War II. The dam provides electricity for two cities the size of Seattle, Washington.  It also prevents flooding in tributaries like the Snake or Willamette Rivers all the way to the Pacific Ocean and irrigates eight million acres of the Columbia Basin that would otherwise be nearly desert.

My friend Jim lives across from Grand Coulee Dam in the town of Coulee Dam.  Below his house is a Bureau of Reclamation gravel road on which he cross-country skiis when the snow falls.  One sunny day in February, while out skiing on that road, he heard an eagle.  He looked up and the eagle's fish fell right in front of him.  That was his dinner that  night.

Verbs

The Grand Coulee Dam stands as one of the world's largest concrete structures.  It towers 350 feet above the Columbia River and blocks a 151 mile reservoir: Lake Roosevelt.  Started in 1933, workers finished the first phase in 1941, just in time to provide electricity to build the airplanes that helped with World War II. The dam provides electricity for two cities the size of Seattle, Washington.  It also prevents flooding in tributaries like the Snake or Willamette Rivers all the way to the Pacific Ocean and irrigates eight million acres of the Columbia Basin that would otherwise dry up as shrub-steppe land.

My friend Jim lives across from Grand Coulee Dam in the town of Coulee Dam.  Below his house, on a Bureau of Reclamation gravel road, he  cross-country skiis when the snow falls.  One sunny day in February, while out skiing on that road, he heard an eagle.  He glanced up, squinted through the sunlight just as the eagle's fish flopped right in front of him.  He ate that fish for dinner that  night.

Imagery

The Grand Coulee Dam stands as one of the world's largest concrete structures, spanning across the river like a skyscraper on its side. It towers 350 feet above the Columbia River and blocks a 151 mile reservoir: Lake Roosevelt.  Started in 1933, workers finished the first phase in 1941, just in time to provide electricity to build the airplanes that helped with World War II. The dam provides electricity for two cities the size of Seattle, Washington or Memphis, Tennessee. It also prevents flooding in tributaries like the Snake or Willamette Rivers all the way to the Pacific Ocean and irrigates eight million acres of the Columbia Basin that would otherwise dry up as shrub-steppe land. Imagine cracked, plantless dirt transformed into corn, potato, and lavender fields. The Grand Coulee Dam brought light in electricity and lush planted land to the northwest.

My friend Jim lives across from Grand Coulee Dam in the parklike town of Coulee Dam, with its tree-lined streets and old rock walls blossoming with ferns and tulips in the spring. Below his house, on a Bureau of Reclamation gravel road, he cross-country skiis when the snow falls.  One sunny day in February, while out skiing on freshly fallen snow, he heard an eagle, "Aaaaaaeeeeee; aaaaaeeeeeeeee."  He glanced up, squinted through the sunlight just as the eagle snatched a fish in its talons from the churning current of the Columbia River and spread its wide wings to fly to a nearby pine tree on the rocky bank. Just as the eagle swooped above Jim, the fish slipped from its sharp talons and flopped down on the ground right in front of him.  My friend grabbed that fish, saluted a thank you to the eagle, and fried  that fish for dinner that night.  The Columbia River, Grand Coulee Dam, and eagles provide a not just viewing, but sometimes a good dinner!

Sentene Fluency

The Grand Coulee Dam stands as one of the world's largest concrete structures, spanning across the river like a skyscraper on its side. It towers 350 feet above the Columbia River.  It blocks a 151 mile reservoir: Lake Roosevelt.  Started in 1933, workers finished the first phase in 1941, just in time to provide electricity to build the airplanes that helped with World War II. The dam provides electricity for two cities the size of Seattle, Washington or Memphis, Tennessee. It also prevents flooding in tributaries like the Snake or Willamette Rivers all the way to the Pacific Ocean.  In addition, the water from Grand Coulee Dam irrigates eight million acres of the Columbia Basin that would otherwise dry up as shrub-steppe land. Imagine cracked, plantless dirt transformed into corn, potato, and lavender fields. The Grand Coulee Dam brought light in electricity and lush planted land to the northwest.

My friend Jim lives across from Grand Coulee Dam in the parklike town of Coulee Dam, with its tree-lined streets and old rock walls blossoming with ferns and tulips in the spring. Below his house, on a Bureau of Reclamation gravel road, he cross-country skiis when the snow falls.  One sunny day in February, while out skiing on freshly fallen snow, he heard an eagle, "Aaaaaaeeeeee; aaaaaeeeeeeeee."  He glanced up, squinted through the sunlight.  Amazingly, the eagle snatched a fish in its talons from the churning current of the Columbia River and spread its wide wings to fly to a nearby pine tree on the rocky bank. Just as the eagle swooped above Jim, the fish slipped from its sharp talons and flopped down on the ground right in front of him.  My friend grabbed that fish, saluted a thank you to the eagle, and fried  that fish for dinner that night.  The Columbia River, Grand Coulee Dam, and eagles provide a not just viewing, but sometimes a good dinner!